Smile 30 May, 2007

Before i start, Happy 20th Bithday, Shoe! =)

I guess i’m kinda out my “low” period.

Cos when i was crossing the road, i realise i was smiling. Yes, to myself!

Maybe it’s nice to have people around you who cares, ok, maybe they don’t care like you know, care that much. But they care more than i expected them to be.

Sometimes it can get quite tiring to go to work(esp when i’m asked to staple for hours sumtimes. $6.50/hr to staple, it kills my brain cells) but they do give me a reason to smile.

like when..

my colleague ask after my rabbits..haha

my colleague sees me, looks really happy and screams “girlfriend”!

my colleagues takes her lunch from one office to another just to have lunch with me, while we glance thru “Seventeen” and gossip.

my colleague, who’s like an uncle treats me to drinks so often. Seriously, i dun like taking can drinks, but even i say no, he insist! for the 9 days that i’ve been working, i’ve got 3 cans alr..i do feel guilty for throwing those i hardly finished away.

my colleague offers to give me a ride home.

my colleague (another uncle, haha, cos i’m the youngest there!)  sees me on the road, honks and waves.

Simple things like these makes me a happy girl, gives me a reson to smile

See, i’m not a high-maintenance. I’m easily satisfied.

有时候，简简单单的，平平凡凡的，也可以让我从内心中发出微笑。

P.s. and thanks to all who sent me sms to ask if i am better.

P.s.s. hopper! haha, i’ll check ANU out!

P.s.s.s. i can’t wait for my holiday spree!

Second to none 27 May, 2007

There are many people who ask if my parents ever compare me with my sisters.

For those who don’t know, my elder sis is a Med student, while i am an Arts student.

Interestingly, when i was young, i always thot that it’s normal for the elder sibling to be smarter than the younger ones. Till i later realise at the age of 10 that my younger sis seem to be doing very well in sch too. Both of them, except me. I guess there was a time i told myself that i probably am the “not so smart one” in the family.

As i grew older, i realise that i didn’t do well in sch in the past bcos i was not working hard enough as both of my sisters. Of cos, i can’t deny that my elder sis is much smarter than me. And i’m proud of her, her talent, her ability, the way she handles things. And i learnt a lot from her too. I’m lucky that i’ve got rather laid-back parents. They do recognise the fact that i am not the same as my sisters, and as long as i’ve tried my best, they’re happy.

Of cos, they’re proud to have a daughter who us going to be a future doc, but they’ve never made me feel inferior to her. Not once.

Interestingly, tho my parents never compared me to my siblings, i was sub-conciously more competitive as i grew older. I looked at people around me, in my cca, in class, in my social life, and i started to compare.

The time i realise being competitive is killing me inside was when i realise that i can never be the best, there are always people who are better. There was once, when looking at people who were doing better killed me bit by bit, made me lose interest in wad i once loved. Other times, when i realise i am not as important as others, i do get upset, doubting my self-worth, thinking “in wad way am i more inferior than he/she is?”

Luckily, i did pull myself back in time, most of the time lah, haha. Living life, you don’t always have to outdo others, it’s enough if you just outdo yourself. You can’t be the most important person all the time, sometimes, you have to learn the art of acceptance, and only then, you can start appreciating yourself for wo you are.

In the world we live in, it’s almost impossible to be second to none. There is always sumone better, sumone more capable, sumone more important. Sometimes, you feel just like another subsitute. It’s inevitable.

Sometimes, you have to know when to walk away, when to love yourself for who you are.

Sounds like yet another entry trying to paint a rosy picture in the ugly world?

Think again.

Don’t we all need some recognition sumtimes?

Big gals don’t cry 26 May, 2007

Big gals don’t cry. They shouldn’t. They have to learn to cope with wadever is given to them.

Sumtimes, i go thru this emotional roller-coaster within myself-I can get really happy, and at others, i can get really down.

Sumtimes, when i get mad at the world at large, i take shelter in my own comfort. It was not too long ago that i realised sumthing that i might have forgotten. But now, it has once again hit me, my raw nerve. Might as well.

Results are out. Hmm, just like that, one more sem is down.

And this time, i’ve put my heart applying for exchange to UBC. I think it’s time for me to venture out of my comfort zone, i wanna see the world, i wanna meet new people. i wanna romance my life. That’s if i get thru…

Maybe getting away for a few months would be good. I can’t be stuck where i am anymore, cos i’ve just learnt that sumthings would just never change. I have to leave, then maybe i can… … I can’t be sure, but there’s a maybe…

Yes, you can hold my hand if u want to.
Cause I want to hold yours too.
We’ll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds.
But its time for me to go home, its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity, peace, serenity 

The path that I’m walking, I must go alone.
I must take the baby steps until I’m full grown.
Fairytales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay.
I hope you know-that this has nothing to do with you.
It’s personal, myself and I.
We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do.
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket.
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life.
Its time to be a big girl now, and big girls don’t cry.

Big gals don’t cry, so i won’t. Not anymore. Not for you, you, or you. Unless it’s for myself.

Tell me i can stand under your umbrella.ella.ella.eh.eh.eh.

hah!

I’d like to..I’d love to..
 

Sometimes words ain’t enough 26 May, 2007

I so wanna blog, but can’t exactly find the right words to express wad i wanna say.

All i know is that the worse is not over, my gum is still bleeding a bit cos i had to stop my course of antibiotics and painkillers. so i’m stuck to having paracetamol(panadol). and of cos, my damn eyes is still affecting me. but thank you fruitips, enjoy yourselves.

i’ve never been a big fan of the Evanescence, but i like this song a whole lot.

“Call me when you are sober”

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can’t keep believing,
We’re only deceiving ourselves .
And I’m sick of the lie,
And you’re too late.Don’t cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.Couldn’t take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you’re jaded.
You can’t play the victim

Kinda reminded me about how people mishandles problems, causing strains.

Of cos, no one’s perfect and everyone has their fair share of experience of mishandling problems and issues, including me. But to me, someone who craves for perfection, it haunts me.

Not that i’ve experieced this recently, but listening to it, hearing that it happens to people around me, whom i care for, is enough to send shivers down my spine.

I’ve got to learn how to survive this weekend. Seriously.

Depressing entries-I know. but i can’t help it lah. I am wad i write. When my entries get better, you know i’m feeling better too. Let’s hope it’ll happen soon. Don’t ruin my holidays. Please.

Allergy 25 May, 2007

This ain’t good.

I developed servere allergery towards the painkillers i took.

My eyes are swollen. I can’t see with my left eye, and my right eye is half-opened(this is the worse allergy i’ve experienced so far).

It’s scary when everyone around me ask if i can breathe and that i must tell them if i develop breathing difficulties(in case my wind pipe swells, just like my eyes). Just went to the doc and had my blood pressure checked and all.

I’m so distracted by my blindness(typing really slowly) and the swelling.

God, when you’re sick, you realise how important it is to be healthy and that is how i’m feeling right at this moment.

Cheer me up! That’s wad i need most now.

I can’t even pillow fight. =(

Con’t… 25 May, 2007

Just came back from my op, to remove a wisdom tooth that grew horizontally.

One side of my face is swollen, but i’m ok. Minus the pain of cos.

It was definately interesting to see my teeth being broken into 6 pieces and witnessing the sewing of the gums.

Right now 25 May, 2007

Right now.

I’m scared.

To go to the dentist for a tooth op.

I know it’s stupid, and i’m over-reacting.

But, visiting the dentist can already stir up fear within me, wad’s more an op.

I offically feel like shit now.

It has been a long time i felt like that anyway.

So you know, anyone who wants to torture me, can just send me to the dentist.

I wish… 21 May, 2007

I guess wishes keeps us alive. Sumtimes, when i wake up and realise that i no longer have wishes, i kinda feel sad and lose motivation.

On the other hand, wishes are mere empty dreams that we have.

Sometimes, wishes make me laugh and smile. Other times, wishes make me cry and feel down.

Call me strange, but deep inside me, i do fear when wishes seem to come true bit by bit. It seems that i can’t handle the transition from wishes to reality.

Of cos, it’as been a long time since my wish come true. Or rather, it has been a long time since i dared to wish for something.

As i grow older, my wishes has slowly transformed from utterly unrealistic, to more down-to-earth, simple. I guess this is so because as we all grow, we learn how reality works, how fairytales don’t come true. Not to everyone, certainly, not to me.

There are many things i would like to wish for, but they won’t be in my “wish-list”.

Deep within me, i sometimes wish i hadn’t been persistent, wish i hadn’t know, wish i didn’t ask, wish i didn’t try, wish i had been there, wish i didn’t fall, wish i wasn’t there…

The list goes on..

And i’m trying to shorten it.

Not that i’m regretting, just that, it pains to sometimes realise i … …

Maybe all these feelings are inevitably part of growing up, changing thots.

Maybe.

Probably.

私はわかりません

Ranodm, Post secrets’ Sunday 20 May, 2007

Quite an interesting post card that was sent in this week. Sweet huh?

Just as i’ve changed my blog, moved on to another, i realise that my blooger account is working again! but too bad, since i’ve moved, i won’t be using that account for now. only when this one let me down.

I guess i truly enjoy myself when i’m able to sit down, talk and just enjoy the company. Even though the surroundings can be noisy and the view can  be really bad.

It always gives me the feeling that at least i’ve the time to sit down and live my life, watching the world pass by.

Just had one last Sunday evening and yesterday.

Ladies, the new wine 19 May, 2007

Went back to my old workplace yesterday, for yet another vacation job.

I’m happy to have the chance to go back, yet at the same time, i realised it has been almost a year since i left that job.

The smile on everybody’s face was still, the same, if not, more genuine. But things have changed. Some who have used to work there, left, some residents passed away, things happen, in just 300 odd days. Scary isn’t it?

As i was in the workshop helping out in the morning, i realise that the very first morning when i started work last year, i was at the same place, doing the same thing.

hmm, but i guess i ain’t the same me anymore. even the people around me aren’t the same. My colleague looked at me and said, “wow, you’ve changed!”

yup, i have. shorter hair, different dressing style, different attitude, different kinda confidence, different expectations, different wants, different needs.

i was asked recently if anything in life triggered the drastic changes i’ve made to myself.

seriously, no one has the impact for me to want to change myself to be who wand what i am today. it’s mere self-expectation, the want to be better as i grow older. of cos, i’m not saying that every change is positive, for i’m still learning.

well, my motto in life- Ladies, the new wine. Better, richer with flavour with time. (ok, call me a Sexist)

Cheers!