4 mins to November, reminising October

A large part of me is afraid that you’ll never be back. We’ll never be us again.
Not because I think the worst in you, but because I’m used to people leaving without a sound. And perhaps, when we accidently bump into each other a few years down the road, we would be polite strangers.

I miss talking to you. It has been regulated into my daily system so much so that I feel my heart missing a piece.

2 weeks ago, you said you were hurt when I jonkingly said I can find someone else to replace you. Then you said you don’t wanna risk losing me and perhaps the best way to go is for us to be best friends.
“I need a label, I’m confused. I’m scared that if I can’t live up to your expectations, I’ll lose you.”
“But you said you hated labels. I thought you wanted us to be without labels, I just don’t want to be best friends. You’re the guy I’d like to be in a relationship with. Don’t you get it?”
“Ok, sure. I never knew you wanted to be in a relationship with me…forget about the best friends part ok. Go sleep, it’s a new day tomorrow.”
“I hate you, for almost breaking my heart.”

I keep thinking of our last road trip–one that we went around SG, buying stuff, preparing for your flight later.
I insisted on going shopping, on the pretext of buying a gift for my friend. And when I later told you the scarf was for you to keep you warm when you’re away, you looked into my eyes and said, “oh, you’re so sweet.”
I slapped your arm and said, “I’m always so nice what!”
“I know, but this…is really sweet.”

We had a rough time before you left, but I’m glad we made it up, and glued things back together.

Me: “I’ll miss hitting you.”
Him: “I’ll miss getting hit.”
Me: “Idiot, you don’t even miss me, just miss getting hit”
Him: “I’ll miss you la dumb ass”
Me: “No one dares call me dumb”
Him: “I do..and i’m not just anyone k”

The jacket, the scarf, the letter, the moisturiser– to remind you that you’re never alone.

I need sleep. A good, deep, dreamless sleep.

I don’t know what to think.
Ain’t too sure how to make out the whole situation.

This time, I don’t think i have the fighting power anymore.
Yup, my white flag is out.

You said I am a gem of a girl.
But if you don’t want a gem in your life.
There’s nothing left for me to say or do.

I will just let you go.
Tell me, there’s always someone else out there who can make me feel the way you do.

I’ve decided to let you be free.
Go roam.

Then you’ll realise you can never find someone better than me.

I’m sick and tired.
Of explaining.

You said you don’t wanna lose me, so you’d rather be best friends with me.
And then you wanted to take it back.

You said you were hurt by my casual remark, but I’m equally hurt by yours.

I don’t know if I’m being too stubborn, am I just afraid to let go, or have I really fallen so deeply for you.

I think I must let my heart rest. And if you choose to let go, I will go along with the decision.
I think I’m good, but you may not want good in your life.
There’s only so much tears and heartaches I can go through. Anymore of that, I’ll just be jaded.

Letting you go won’t be easy, but there’s only so much I can give. Even if so much has been all of me.

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I don’t like feeling this way.

I hate it when we cause each other to feel vulnerable.

Sometimes, I wish I can take back what I said.
And that you can do the same too.

I need to stop this vicious cycle. For fear that it will ruin us.