It has been a while.

I got to do a little thinking last weekend.

And I realised I could have have you.

But I let you slip away, twice. Because you were too perfect.
And I was scared to screw things up.

Too scared to make mistakes.

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band, originally uploaded by jaslin_lurve.

I think my heart died.
After a few hits here and there, I’m done.

The hardest part of moving on is going to places that we’ve been to.
And hearing that you’re good. Without me..

I often torture myself when I allow my thoughts to wander.
I hope you’ll never forget me.

After all the heart-breaking, tears-inducing, and fond memories that I think we shared, the least you can give me is to never forget me.

I only let go cos my heart ached differently the last time you hurt me. I knew I had to let us go. Or I will never be fully happy.

I ain’t happy now. But I still believe that one day, someone will sweep me off my feet, just like you did. Minus the heartbreak.

Next

“We can start by being friends, with no history, nothing..”

I’m sorry. But I just ain’t interested in having you in my life anymore.

For I only want to have the best in my life, who knows how to treat me well with respect.

So yes, I do think of the good times we had and the sweet lines you delivered- Paris in 2012, the crane with the cheesecake, and the classic “I will wait for you while you knock off if you have to end work late”.
As sweet as it all sounded, if you wanted me in your life, you wouldn’t have cheated. You wouldn’t have thrown us away just like that. You would have thought about how I would feel, you would have known that cheating is the biggest no-no for me.

Your time is up, dude.

Moving on…

I lay in bed and thought of this year. I thought of you. I thought of us.

You made me feel all sorts of emotions.

And you made me realise one thing- I can’t live with insecurity.

I always thought I can do with crazy. But I can’t. You taught me to see how deeply I can fall in love, how crazy I can become. And you also brought out the worst in me.

The last time we met, you asked if we will meet again. I said yes. And I didn’t intend for it to be a lie. I thought I can live with your dishonesty. I thought it was gonna be just another rough patch.

But I realised you reached my limits. I had to wave the white flag, my white flag. I thought I will be happy with you. But in these recent months, I forgot how it feels like to not have a worry.

I tend to over-think, and you know it. Yet, instead of assurance, all I get was more to think, worry and ponder over.

Today is significant. And I have to thank my sister and ass for being with me. Today is significant in a way that is beyond words.

I learnt to appreciate all that I have now. And I learnt to appreciate the simple and mundane.
I learnt as much as others may think I’m this wild girl, I can’t live with being wild and crazy.
I have a heart, a heart that loves. And yearns to be loved in return.

That’s why I left you.

You’ll never read this. But I did almost love you.

I learnt about all that I don’t want in a relationship.

I want stability, faithfulness and a man who knows how to give his heart whole-heartedly.

New year resolution

To love myself more.
To stop worrying and thinking so much.
To surround myself with people who loves and care about me.

I’m done with bad boys.

Breathe.
Chase the panic attacks away.

It’s official. He was cheating.

More self-love = stop thinking so much.

If I learnt anything from you and you, I realised sometimes, the more I think and speculate, the more I kill us.

Thinking is good. But when you don’t know how to strike the balance and stop when you’re suppose to, then that’s the end to happiness.

I can’t undo what has been done.
I can’t regret giving my heart and almost all to you.

For we did share the good times. And I really did like you, to an extend where I saw a future in us.

So I’m gonna leave us behind, together with the haunting regrets that overwhelm me sometimes.
I know I can.

I will be better than before.

Lipstick Jungle

‎”Listen to me. You’re not a loser. You are an extraordinary person. You are funny. You are scary smart, and intense and gorgeous. And larger than life. And you deserve to be loved because of those things. Not in spite of them.”

Starting over is very scary. It’s a huge risk. But it’s also a new beginning.

It’s officially over.
And I do feel oddly liberated.

Perhaps, you have someone else. Perhaps, you are just constantly afraid you can’t live up to my ‘expectations’.

But the answers to those questions, are no longer needed by me.

You taught me a whole lot about myself.
But it’s time to return you to where you belong.

“I love you. But I love me more”
–Sex and the City

Mediocre

We had magic. But I can’t have you give up on us as and when you please anymore.

I took a long time to rationalise– but if I mattered to you, you wouldn’t put me in such a place right now.

And today, I realised I’ve been missing out on too much.
I can’t settle for someone who is not head over heels for me. I can’t settle for someone who feels insercure of my achievements. I can’t settle for someone who constantly needs my assurance and yet is not able to do the same for me. I can’t settle for someone who treats his friends better than me.

Yes, I can’t.

Why should I?

When I’ve got so much to offer, the last thing I should do is settle for mediocre.

I need the breath-taking, mind-blowing experience.

To love myself is to walk away from you.

Starting anew is not easy. But I think you’ve hurt me too much.

Cliche as it sounds, some things you say can never be taken back.

You said it’s the end of us, then make sure you get out of my life.

If I could, I would have cut away all possible ways of you contacting me.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
— Marilyn Monroe

And to all of the wonderful people who have been asking after me,
I’ll be alright. It’s painful now, but I’ll sure as hell recover.
Afterall, let’s not waste time talking too much about heartache anymore. I can do better than that.

Focus on the different perspective.
It’s difficult not to think about you all the time.
But I do deserve someone who’s head over heels for me.

It’s painful to let you go, but I’ll look forward to someone else. Someone else who’ll be appreciative of what he has.

I’m gonna be a heartless bitch.
Play around with hearts and mess up minds.

No point being the good girl.

I gave it my all. And got nothing in return.

Back to Earth, with more self-love.

It’s funny how I opened up to an almost stranger.
But it felt good.

I’m going back to the start.
Mending heart, rejuvenating soul.

4 mins to November, reminising October

A large part of me is afraid that you’ll never be back. We’ll never be us again.
Not because I think the worst in you, but because I’m used to people leaving without a sound. And perhaps, when we accidently bump into each other a few years down the road, we would be polite strangers.

I miss talking to you. It has been regulated into my daily system so much so that I feel my heart missing a piece.

2 weeks ago, you said you were hurt when I jonkingly said I can find someone else to replace you. Then you said you don’t wanna risk losing me and perhaps the best way to go is for us to be best friends.
“I need a label, I’m confused. I’m scared that if I can’t live up to your expectations, I’ll lose you.”
“But you said you hated labels. I thought you wanted us to be without labels, I just don’t want to be best friends. You’re the guy I’d like to be in a relationship with. Don’t you get it?”
“Ok, sure. I never knew you wanted to be in a relationship with me…forget about the best friends part ok. Go sleep, it’s a new day tomorrow.”
“I hate you, for almost breaking my heart.”

I keep thinking of our last road trip–one that we went around SG, buying stuff, preparing for your flight later.
I insisted on going shopping, on the pretext of buying a gift for my friend. And when I later told you the scarf was for you to keep you warm when you’re away, you looked into my eyes and said, “oh, you’re so sweet.”
I slapped your arm and said, “I’m always so nice what!”
“I know, but this…is really sweet.”

We had a rough time before you left, but I’m glad we made it up, and glued things back together.

Me: “I’ll miss hitting you.”
Him: “I’ll miss getting hit.”
Me: “Idiot, you don’t even miss me, just miss getting hit”
Him: “I’ll miss you la dumb ass”
Me: “No one dares call me dumb”
Him: “I do..and i’m not just anyone k”

The jacket, the scarf, the letter, the moisturiser– to remind you that you’re never alone.

I need sleep. A good, deep, dreamless sleep.

I don’t know what to think.
Ain’t too sure how to make out the whole situation.

This time, I don’t think i have the fighting power anymore.
Yup, my white flag is out.

You said I am a gem of a girl.
But if you don’t want a gem in your life.
There’s nothing left for me to say or do.

I will just let you go.
Tell me, there’s always someone else out there who can make me feel the way you do.

I’ve decided to let you be free.
Go roam.

Then you’ll realise you can never find someone better than me.

I’m sick and tired.
Of explaining.

You said you don’t wanna lose me, so you’d rather be best friends with me.
And then you wanted to take it back.

You said you were hurt by my casual remark, but I’m equally hurt by yours.

I don’t know if I’m being too stubborn, am I just afraid to let go, or have I really fallen so deeply for you.

I think I must let my heart rest. And if you choose to let go, I will go along with the decision.
I think I’m good, but you may not want good in your life.
There’s only so much tears and heartaches I can go through. Anymore of that, I’ll just be jaded.

Letting you go won’t be easy, but there’s only so much I can give. Even if so much has been all of me.

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I don’t like feeling this way.

I hate it when we cause each other to feel vulnerable.

Sometimes, I wish I can take back what I said.
And that you can do the same too.